A column about my favorite commentary subjects: unnecessary laziness and flashy brilliance.

Well, I intended to post on the 27th, but sometimes that just don’t work out… luckily I’ve got some extra material for this week and for when we play NE later this season.

Your weekly Transcendentalist Horoscope
Random yet oddly appropriate quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden.

This pond has rarely been profaned by a boat, for there is little in it to tempt a fisherman.

FCD vs. San Jose Bench Warmers

MMP Prediction: 0-0
Actual Result: 0-0

I should really publish these predictions in advanced. Believe it or not, I even had us losing 0-1 to New England.

I was so confident that this would be a 0-0 game that I left the TV to swing by Taco Bueno during halftime, narrowly breaking my “No Bueno before 10pm” rule. By the 75th minute I should have just turned it off, because Dallas was clearly playing for a draw with Dario Sala’s antics (Salantics?) in up-by-one-goal form, and San Jose’s finishing was inspired by the movie Signs.

I knew I’d be able to recycle this thing:

As a matter of fact, with such boring game its pretty much impossible to hand the MMP MotM to any of our players. I’m giving Steve Morrow the benefit of the doubt on whether a draw was the game-plan, and I won’t retro-actively give it to Arturo Alvarez for the New England game (the dive and the hair), so I’m going to have to look off the field for the MotM performance. Instead, the Pescadito (RIP) Man of the Match goes to the International Football Association Board for making the goal 7.32m x 2.44m in size. Cause if it would have been 15m x 5m, San Jose would have dropped 20 goals on us, easy. Their finishing really was that bad.

Sorry, that’s the best I can do. I’ve gotta work with what’s in front of me. If you want a real MotM, it was Pablo Richetti. I’d be suprised if anyone disagrees with me on that one. We need to get him into a position to put more crosses into the box. If he has a couple more crosses like the one he had Saturday night, we’ll have to change his name to Figo Richetti. And the more I think about it, Artie did have a pretty crap game.

Are people from Central Florida especially vulnerable to sports hernias? Seriously, Daxy (Orlando) and “Bake” Wagner (Tampa) both caught this bug. As a Tampa-born individual myself, if I ever have to run off to Germany, you’ll know why (not the beer).

When do I start giving credit to a defense that has only allowed 1 goal in the last 4 games? Maybe next week, we’ll see. Thousands of people in Mexico City are crying, however, at what they thought they wouldn’t miss.

Finally (notice how I’m taking HDT’s advise and not talking about the game much?), I’d like to state on the record that dallas.theoffside.com has officially made it annoying to search for images. You see, instead of normal player rankings, he gives each 1-10 player rating value a girl based on some inconceivable notion of attractiveness (his formula must be more complicated than Lindsey Lohan’s mental state). Fine, whatever. But try searching for Blake Wagner on Google Images, and this is a collection of what you get (how am I supposed to stay focused?):

Blogging is a hard life, but someone’s gotta do it.

… and now for other games I happened to glance at:

Toronto Hooligans 1-1 New York Has-Beens and Will-Bes-Somewhere-Else

Really I just want to talk about streamers. But I’ll wait till the WTF Commentary. It should be noted that this corner was one of Red Bulls’ best chances on the night (the resulting header was about 2 feet off).

FC Dallas plays the Red Bulls again on June 21. So I’m starting a campaign to either get Jozy Altidore to move to Europe before then or at least seriously distract him. (And for the record, I think the move would only help the MNT out)

Columbus Haven’t-Convinced-Me-Yet 2-1 Kansas City Told-You-To-Not-Believe-The-Hype

Firstly, Columbus fans are obviously jealous of our Neighbors to the North:

It is passed time to talk about Adam Moffat. For some strange reason, he was subbed out rather early in the 2nd half to get a young ‘un some experience (pull out Eddie Gaven, seriously), and the Crew’s attack immediately started to fall apart. But enough about Columbus, I want to talk about this guy’s trip across the pond, where Columbus was not the intended destination.

Clan Moffat has a significant history in Scotland, dating back until at least the 10th Century. They were influential at the time of William Wallace. They fought alongside Robert the Bruce. In 1314, an Adam Moffat fought in the Batte of Bannockburn. They feuded with Clan Johnstone.

So the question I pose to you is this: Why would a man leave the place his ancestors have lived for a thousand years to move to… get this… Cleveland? I mean… Cleveland. To play for the Cleveland City Stars. In Cleveland, the river catches fire like something directly out of Dante. Boggles the mind. He should have at least tried to catch on with Gretna first.

Nathan, perhaps you could enlighten us as to what this is like.

WTF Commentary of the Week

Now I’m a huge PTI fan, and I love Michael Wilbon like an uncle. And PTI really only discusses soccer when Tony Kornheiser has the day off and Dan Le Betard (who I rip on constantly) makes an appearance. Wilbon has even made a cameo on ESPN2 Thursday Night Soccer. But Friday he proved he hasn’t had enough soccer edumacation:

Le Betard: In last night’s New York-Toronto match-up, Red Bull Claudio Reyna was swamped by streamers as he attempted a corner kick. Apparently this happens all the time in Toronto. The announcer [editor: JP Dellacamera for ESPN] even said that to call this atmosphere tremendous, might not do it justice. Mike — guys are running down the field with streamers wrapped around their waste. Do you consider this homefield advantage or simply unfair?

Wilbon (angry): Neither, its minor league. I’m sorry, that’s an insult to the minor leagues. Its bush league, ok, its just garbage. The MLS people get all upset, the soccer heads, all the soccer purists who see every game as a novella, up and down the pitch: shut up! You have a junk product like that, you can not have people…did you see Major League Baseball…

Le Betard: (tries to jump in, fails)

Wilbon (in a Bill O’Reilly rage): I’m angry, I’m going to go Buzz Bissinger on the MLS.

Le Betard: (tries again, same result)

Wilbon: Because, when you do… Seriously, is the World Series contested with a pitcher pitching in confetti and streamers? This is garbage and if this league wants to be taken seriously in North America, clean up the garbage.

Le Betard: I will say this, if you do this in basketball, Ron Artest and Stephen Jackson are going to come and get you in the stands.

Wilbon (totally serious sounding): And they should.

Le Betard: No, no, they shouldn’t. But sports would be more fun if people were running around with toilet paper on their uniforms.

Wilbon: Don’t defend this, ok?

Le Betard: (tries to defend, cut off)

Wilbon: no, no, no, no

Le Betard: You’re unreasonably outraged by this.

Wilbon (outraged): No I’m not, I’m not. I’m outraged, its just stupid. Its not competition. Soccer fights this battle, where it wants to be right there with baseball and basketball and football. That’s one of many reasons they’re not.

Le Betard: God.

Michael, two things:

1. Please don’t give any advise to Barack Obama. We don’t need CNN going nuts over video of a Stephen Jackson sympathizer.
2. Maybe you should look at a map of North America:

   

   Claudio Reyna stated that he was used to the streamers because of his visits to Central America with the MNT. Mikey probably should have at least read what Reyna had to say.

3. So throwing streamers into the stands is worth this rant, yet in hockey players can knock the crap out of each other? At this point, the NHL is probably trying to figure out how corporations can sponsor brawls (“If a player loses a tooth in a fight tonight, everyone gets a $2 off coupon for their next visit to Applebee’s”).

Of course, streamers are still not as cool as this:

Minutiae

I predict either Chivas USA or Houston won’t make the playoffs, there just won’t be enough slots, especially since it looks like the West might only have 3 playoff spots (again). You heard it here first.

If you’re like me, you’ve thought “What’s Eric Wynalda up to?” at least 5-6 times since ESPN canned his ass. Not cause the guy is so likable, just for shits and giggles. Turns out the closest he can come to a soccer field is as far away from a microphone and camera as humanly possible: playing for a PDL team! Shits and giggles indeed. Having said that, I did the research last weekend (and never published it), but if you don’t count penalty kicks, Wynalda has a not only a higher goal total, but a higher goal/game number than Landycakes.

I’ve made my fair share of Romanian jokes (ok, more than my fair share), but this ain’t anything to joke about. This is probably the most angry a soccer story has made me all season, and I’ve read plenty of stories about what Rangers fans have been up to. UPDATE: The Dinamo-Steaua game he references went 2-1 to Dinamo while CFR Cluj won 1-0. Maybe there is justice in this game after all, but we’ll have to wait with 1 more game to play. I’ve got a friend thats a Dinamo fan so I’ll have to let him know how awesome his team is, though I now have a soft spot in my heart for Cluj.

Finally, might Bud Light Lime be the most catastrophic beer decision ever?

and your Weekly Namesake Update
Out of action and probably regretting not playing for the first time cause Chivas made even made Alan Gordon look good and even Becks can score against RSL.