A column about my favorite commentary subjects: unnecessary laziness and flashy brilliance.

Your Weekly Transcendentalist Horoscope
Random yet oddly appropriate quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden.

Or sometimes I watched a pair of hen-hawks circling high in the sky, alternately soaring and descending, approaching, and leaving one another, as if they were the embodiment of my own thoughts.

So it is in the world of transfer rumors as well.

FCD vs. Los Angeles Black Holes

MMP Prediction: Another aggravating draw
Actual Result: 4-0

So, wow. In what many had rumored to be Kenny Cooper’s last game for FC Dallas, he shows off an awful lot of class. With contract negotiations underway, he could have sat out the game. Instead, he gave everything he had as a testament to his professionalism and how much he appreciates the league, similar to Tim Howard’s last game for the Metrostars. Key difference being, Kenny hasn’t left yet. And, being rewarded for my procrastination in writing this piece, we have this little gem from Hitchcock that probably means Kenny won’t be leaving unless:

1. Rosenborg throws in 100 gallons of Rakfisk for the next FCD Supporters Meeting.
2. Cardiff City allow Kenny to play for the Welsh National Rugby Team, which is the only sport in Wales that really matters now that Ryan Giggs has retired from international play. Of course this is contingent on someone explaining why both Rugby Union and Rugby League are necessary.
3. Don Garber just gives us an MLS Cup as compensation. Or maybe US Soccer reverses that US Open Cup game result. Point is, we need a trophy and we don’t see how we’ll get it without Kenny Cooper.
4. Either one of them just pays Hunt Sports Group a lil’ more cash. Boring, yes. But guaranteed effective.

Will Kenny leave? Eventually, yes. I doubt he’ll be here next season. Hopefully he ends up at a more visible league than 14-team Norwegian “Tippeligaen” or the 27-team English Championship (technically, there are only 24 teams, but in reality the English Premier League lets 3 of the teams play with the big boys for a season before sending them right back down). My advice to Kenny is that sometimes things like this can be a real blessing. Just ask Jozy Altidore, who almost joined Reading. Now look where Jozy found himself:

Stay patient, buddy, your day will come soon.

Some people think Arturo Alvarez should win the MMP MotM. However, according to Rule 4b subsection 2:

No player, coach, or other individual may be awarded a total number of prizes in a given Monday Morning Pescadito(TM) column greater than the number of Goal of the Decade awards given to his greatness, El Pescadito.

At last recollection, this means that Artie could win at most 1 award in this column. And Artie has to be given the Steve Morrow Award For Being Released After Playing The Los Angeles Galaxy. AA was the only player who looked out of place in the game despite a nice assist. To quote Nathan:

I especially love the way he jogs past other attackers on the other team pausing only to perform the tackle mentally.

Artie’s punishment was to be traded to San Jose so we can actually have a draft pick next season. Which, as Peter Welpton points out, will likely be the #2 overall pick. We probably would have used that pick to secure the services Bruno Guarda had he not come out early. Considering Artie would have been prime bench material under the current regime, like that or not, the trade is probably not a bad one. [UPDATE: Welpton is wrong, apparently, it was originally Houston's draft pick, not San Jose's natural 1st rounder. Maybe less useful of a deal after all...]

I wish good luck to Arturo, unlike Jeremiah, who will now have to come up with something else to say at games besides “Alvarez! You’re HORRIBLE!!!“. But hopefully Artie’s contract includes a clause that prevents San Jose from chopping off his right leg and replacing it with Ronnie O’Brien’s as first rumored here:

If I could give the MotM to an opposing play for sucking SO MUCH that it made our team go from playing good to looking great, I would. However, in this case, Rule 4b subsection 18 stands in my way:

Steve Cronin can never, under any circumstance, EVER, be named Man of the Match. Not even if he pretends being 6 feet from the inside post is the right position to be in. Not even if he gives strange commands to the defense allowing opposing forwards to run around the box like gazelles in the savanna. Not if he gives his “deer in the headlights” look over 20 times during the course of the game. NEVER SHALL HE BE NAMED MAN OF THE MATCH.

However, I do get to recycle this picture:

So instead I’ll have to give the Monday Morning Pescadito Man of the Match award to El Pescadito. Did you see the acrobatic display he managed to put on? Hey Carlos, the Olympics are coming up, and the Guatemalan Diving Team doesn’t have much depth. Pun not intended, but I’ll leave it in there anyway.

While in the awarding mood, I think its time to hand out the Possibly Maybe Just Out of the Doghouse Award to FC Dallas head coach Schellas Hyndman. Much disliked for the supposed nepotism that brought him to PHP, he is nothing if not honest. Coaches are constantly put in a position that caused the previous coach to be fired. Normally when coaches are put in a scenario like this, they go the “it is just another normal game” routine. Everyone knows that’s bullshit. So Schellas just went straight to “don’t embarrass me like that”. The team was fired up, came out of the gates playing fast, strong, and tactically great. Of course people are human, so there was the inevitable second-half slump where we gave the ball away more, attacked less, needed the post to save the clean sheet, and generally looked unconvincing and less of an attacking threat. Thats why we have Abe Thompson, apparently.

Other random thoughts:

Dominic Oduro played great, no doubt. But to me he still showed some Thompson-esque touch along with some of his other, lesser qualities. It is proof that a striker can score some great goals while playing within his limitations. Even if we’re keeping Kenny, however, we’re right to go after a big threat striker.

My photoshopping skills aren’t up to the standards of SteveToro, so I won’t even try to put a Toja wig on Landon Donovan. For the first 20 minutes, I didn’t even realize he was playing. For the rest of the game, I didn’t really care. Pretty worthless for his standards, only looked dangerous a couple of times, which is a credit to Drew Moor.

I had wondered what the result of a Davino-Ruiz match-up would look like. The Mexican beat the Guatemalan hands down in a battle that was every bit as physical as I predicted. Can we refer to this as the Battle of the Usumacinta River? No? Ok, fine… Moving on…

We’re technically in a playoff position. Don’t celebrate. DC United and Chivas USA are on equal points and have played 2 fewer games. Toronto and Kansas City are also on equal points with 1 fewer game. Our best bet, in my opinion, is for the Galaxy and Real Salt Lake to tank. RSL has 5 more points but has played 1 extra game plus has played 11 home games (6-0-5) versus 8 road games (1-6-1). Chivas sucking it up without Brad Guzan would be most helpful as well. Oh, and we’ll need to keep playing well. One win won’t cut it. Oh, and we’ll probably need Kenny. Sigh.

Oh, yeah. We beat that Limey punk. What was his name again?

Minutiae

If I may risk further Romanian resentment, I’d like to add a sixth reason to not move to Romania which I forgot: Pălincă. Potentially one of the most vile substances known to man. The Scots have their Whisky (and the Irish their Whiskey). The Mexicans have their Tequila. The rednecks have their Moonshine. Painful all. The difference is, I’ve been able to at least stomach the latter beverages. Pălincă on the other hand I’ve never been able to keep down. Maybe this is because the sampling I had came in a plastic bottle and, I get the distinct feeling, was made in some Romanian relative’s back yard. Even the smell of the stuff makes me want to hurl. Wikipedia states that it is “almost always drunk in shot glasses straight up”, which should tell you how nasty it must be. If it was mixable, some dude trying to get laid would have concocted something to get chicks to drink it.

I’d put that great Facebook picture of us up, but not while the Romanians still hound the website looking for blood. I swear I typed that sentence before I realized the reference. Honest. Cinstit.

UPDATE: Someone thinks Hope Solo is hotter than Heather Mitts.  Blasphemy.

And Your Weekly Namesake Update

Not a happy return to Frisco, wouldn’t you say? I spotted at least one dive (though it came from a legitimate foul). We all know how the rest of the game turned out.

Just ’cause I’m down, don’t mean I’m out. Nor does it mean I’ll courageously bow out. It does mean I don’t have time right now to finish up the MMP. Considering how much I rushed the last one yet managed to attract the attention of some minor country (hey, it ain’t Top 50).

I’ve had my 15 minutes of fame in Romania. Except, despite the declining dollar, Romanian fame is so much cheaper than American fame. What was the last thing Romanians did worth our attention? Dragostea din tei, you say? I was in Europe when this song hit it big, and despite its seriously awesome video, it was outdone by some stupid American who has well outlived his undeserved fame. Based on these events, I’m going to say the going rate for a minute of Romanian fame is, at best, 1.4 minutes of American fame. From what I’ve been told, Romania’s president might actually even read this post and make a comment on it, such is the low worth of Romanian attention. Maybe he already has?

I’ll get around to the regular column when I’m not fending off crazy Romanians. Until then, I suggest constantly refreshing 3rd Degree, with its Election Night-esqe coverage of Juan and Kenny’s respective transfer sagas. [You don't have him yet Steaua, proof that your media is adept as a fat kid on the monkey bars, or futbolchick in a 50 yard dash!]

Kenny Cooper played like a man possessed.

But is he on his way out?  This Toro would hate to lose him, but his performance vs. the LA Beckhams was among the most inspiring sights of the Hoops’ 2008 campaign.  In 100+ degree heat, up against a team which had taken us to the woodshed (to the tune of 10 goals against) the past two times out, with Toja all but gone and a team of Pips, rookies, and scrubeenies (Pitch, Wileman, Dello-Russo, Avila, all of whom played well) backing him up, he gave us something to remember:  9 shots, 2 goals, and all of his heart.

Will he or won’t he go?  A couple of tea leaves to read:

• KC Sr. was crying on TV at the end of the game.
  [Verdict:  Going.  Anyone who was at the game was too dehydrated to waste moisture if it wasn't a truly worthy moment.]
• KC Jr. went and got the gameball.
  [Verdict:  Inconclusive.  He could have been giving it to Schellas, who recorded his first MLS win.]
• He went andthanked theInferno for their support and gave away his jersey.
  [Verdict:  Inconclusive.  He's done this before after big results.  But it was poignant, nonetheless.]
• Klein of the Gals went up to him after the match and asked him a question.  KC shrugged with his giant (and very expressive) shoulders, and clearly said “I don’t know.”
  [Verdict:  Unclear.  He may not really know where he's going.]
• 2 goals?  Playing like a beast?
  [Verdict:  Unclear: KC is the Chuck Norris of MLS.]
• The rest of the team playing out of their gourds?  Pitch playing like he was the answer at fullback?
  [Verdict:  Staying.  It could have been due to the fact that: (pick one)
  • (A) Schellas is a master motivator
  • (B) the team was fired up after getting their coach fired with their performance last time out
  • (C) Hitch bought a win from Don Garber with the Toja money, or
  • (D) they were showing some heart in the face of adversity.

  I doubt if you get that fired up just because your leading scorer's going off to Cardiff, however. But then again, what do I know?]

Final score?  4-0, Dallas.   Nothing else matters right now.

With rumors abounding that KC Jr. is cashing in some of John Ellinger’s frequent-flyer miles to fly off to Rosenborg, we present:  the top 11 things that could make this week worse for FCD.

From the home office in Frisco, Texas:

1. Clark Hunt decides that he’s ready to return to play for his old coach.

2.  Tex Hooper signs a generationAdidas contract.

3.  Schellas is put in charge of PHP promotions and declares Sunday’s game against the Galaxy to be “Free Kick in the Groin“ night.

4.  The Front Office decides to schedule a  Frisco ISD high school football game during an upcoming FCD game.

5.  Gretna approaches FCD about becoming the Hoops’ latest partner.

6.  Last season’s Toja wigs are discovered to carry smallpox.

7.  George W. Bush is named as FCD Technical Director.  Hitch lauds him saying, that GWB will “do for FCD what he did for the Texas Rangers”.

8.  Marcelo Saragosa:  striker.

9. FC Dallas is forced to trade Adrian Serioux to Toronto because he can no longer live without Tim Bits and poutine.

10.  A comet hits Frisco, obliterating all human life. Del’s survives, however.

…and the #11 way things could be worse is:

11.  Los Toros get transferred to Romania.

Buzz has confirmed. When Buzz says it’s true, it’s true.