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Monday Morning Pescadito: July 21, 2008

July 21st, 2008 by KirkBhoy | Posted in MMP |

A column about my favorite commentary subjects: unnecessary laziness and flashy brilliance.

Your Weekly Transcendentalist Horoscope
Random yet oddly appropriate quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden.

…we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be infinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic feature…

I re-watched the classic movie Clash of the Titans this weekend (they’re doing a re-make and I thought I should refresh myself). Last week I did Roman mythology, this week its Greek I guess. Apologies if I’m in a mythological mood…

FCD 2-2 Colorado Rapid Bowel Movements

MMP Prediction: 0-1
Actual Result: 2-2

And Zeus decried, “All the good teams are taking part in SuperLiga this weekend! Therefore, I command mediocrity throughout the land of MLS!!” And so it was done:

Needless to say this weekend was not one of the MLS regular season’s finest hours. Five games, five draws. It could have been worse for FC Dallas, you see, a 0-0 draw would have been quite a blow to team (and fan) psyche. Luckily for ya’ll I don’t have it in me for a ton of mythological references, but I’m sure there’s more opportunity here.

On a positive note, for three minutes we learned what it was like to be ahead. I even overheard a conversation that contained those elusive words “three points”. Sigh. At least since everyone else tied this entire round was basically a wash.

Monday Morning Pescadito Man of the Match will *not* go to Adrian Serioux. I considered giving him the award in the hopes that he’ll use the prize money to get a new contact prescription. Totally at fault for a mis-clearance on the first goal. I swear we’ve seen that goal several times in the last few games with only slight variations. I should look at the Charleston game highlights. But that would involve looking at the Charleston game highlights.

Instead, MMP MotM goes to our good buddy, Marcello Saragosa. He managed to set up two goals! Unfortunately, one of them was for the other team. SteveToro was saying during the game that, if not for Bouna Coundoul, we would have lost 0-2. Well, if not for two crappy clearances, it would have been 2-0. Colorado’s 2nd goal was a nice one: cross into the box from Terry Cooke, a nice flick into a dangerous area by the 3 foot tall Christian Gomez, and a clean finish by Connor Casey. But roll the tape back farther and maybe the prettiest pass of all was Saragosa’s low clearance just to the foot of “Beefcake” Cooke.

At some point the players just need to realize that most of the goals we’re giving up are just plain stupid. Perhaps we’re a good team that, once we fix the defensive brain farts, will eventually start playing like one. I wouldn’t say we had a great possession game, but we still controlled the match for long periods. Let’s not let a couple defensive gaffs ruin our season. Maybe we should go with the Clarence Goodson school of defense: kick the ball high, hard, and far. It doesn’t need to be pretty, but what we’re doing now sure is uglier than even what “Clearance” did.

Did anyone notice that Davino went all the way into the opposing box during the run of play once? If Duilio can get that deep, why can’t our midfield go all the way to the byline to send in a cross? I’m looking at you, Andre Rocha. The 3-5-2 doesn’t seem to let players do this, much to my annoyance. Only strikers being chased by lunatic goalies outside the box seem to get to the byline in this formation. Dax McCarty managed to get a little bit higher.

I didn’t quite get why we started Dominic Oduro instead of Abe Thompson. Or at least, in hindsight, I didn’t get why it would be more advantageous to start him as opposed to bringing him on as a sub to better utilize his speed. Both have shown us almost nothing over the past few games other than Abe’s extra time goals. The upside to Oduro, however, is that since the guy must weight 130 pounds (I don’t believe the 160 lbs for a second), he’s real easy to push over in the box. He also rivals Saragosa for diving ability.

Clearly, Juan Toja doesn’t read this blog. If he did, he would have learned about how much I hate Steaua Bucharest’s owner, George “Gigi” Becali. I linked to this article in a MMP two months ago.

I fully support Toja going to a place to further his career. And Romania does have a better league and Steaua Bucharest is leaps and bounds above FC Dallas in size and quality. But Romania? Really? I know too many good-humored Romanians to not do a piece entitled….

The Top Five Reasons Not to Move to Romania

5. Adrian Mutu’s mole basically has its own zip code. It’ll be all over billboards and TV. Women will constantly bring it up in conversation. Eventually the subject will make you vomit.

4. Romanians have curse words for everything. You don’t believe me? Look here (NSFW). Note: This link is not for those with a weak stomach. Ia-o pe curva aia de ma-ta si duceti-va sa beliti pula la urs ca va plateste tata biletul de autobuz!

3. One of my favorite South Park quotes of all time:

Reporter: Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania.

2. Their national hero is this dude (seriously Juan, f*cking run):

1. Have you ever heard of Nicolae Ceauşescu? No? Oh, well go read his Wikipedia page. What a real asshole, right? Guess what? YOU’LL BE PLAYING FOR HIS TEAM.

Ok, so that’s probably a little over-the-top. Ceauşescu was executed almost 20 years ago and modern Steaua fans probably aren’t huge fans of the dude. But still, I don’t think playing for Becali is a huge step down. One was a far-left socialist accused of genocide, the other a far-right ultra-Christian who thinks Hungarians deserve no place in Romania and has volunteered to pay for a referendum to “finish off all homosexuals in the country”. In a different time, I don’t see Becali as a better person.

Minutiae

While looking through that MMP that talked about Steaua, I noticed my pictures encouraging Jozy Altidore to go to Spain. Success! Good luck to you, buddy. May you learn much from Leo Messi and company. Now if only some Spanish company would purchase my contract for $10 Million.

UPDATE: Does this remind you of anyone?

And Your Weekly Namesake Update

Scored his first goal of the season. PARTY! Of course he was assisted by Edson Buddle, so he ain’t exactly gonna improve his place on the depth chart. IF you have $460k to spend, you can still be the proud owner of El Pescadito!

  1. 18 Responses to “Monday Morning Pescadito: July 21, 2008”

  2. By la_fanatica on Jul 22, 2008

    Great stuff, always! :) But now you’ve got me worried about Steaua . . . don’t go, JT!!

  3. By walterb on Jul 22, 2008

    The videos of the NY security that were posted are discouraging.

  4. By Delia on Jul 22, 2008

    amusing stereotypes you guys live in .. simple-minded but still, amusing.

  5. By for kirkbhoy on Jul 22, 2008

    Hey, you, motherfucker, you claim that you know too many Romanians, well, you don’t know me:Vlad! yeah, you got it right, like Vlad the Impaler, the one that you say that is our national hero. everybody knows about americans that are idiots, ignorants, dumbs like shit, no culture, no nothing. you are the perfect example, if you can say something like this about my country! our national hero is Vlad the Impaler? you dumb-shit, you don’t know anything; national heroes for us are Gheorghe Hagi, Nadia Comaneci, Ilie Nastase, not “Dracula”-name misspelled by one of your ancestors-Bram Stoker! oh, he is not one of your ancestors, my bad, you the americans are such a fucking mixture that anybody can claim to be your fucking ancestor, even an ape!some of you go to Europe and live there for years, but are you able to learn the language of the country that you live in? of course not,’cause you are so “intelligent”! by the way, how do you call a person that speaks three languages?-a trilingual; two languages-a bilingual; one language-a stupid fucking american! you talk bullshit about Mutu-how many “glorious” american football players play outside US? oh,you think that I just made a mistake calling them football players instead of “soccer” players? another proof about how dumb the americans are,they call this beautiful sport “soccer” when the whole world calls it football!and they call football a fucking sport where the ball is played with the hands,WITH THE HANDS! you should name this one “soccer”-because it sucks! you could not name it handball as many of you answered when they were asked what name should it have instead of the wrong one;handball is already taken. oh,we didn’t know that there is actually a sport called handball-of course,you idiots, you know shit, the only thing you know is to get filled up with burgers and hot dogs! by the way, almost every country in the world is proud about its cuisine, you, americans, are you proud of your burgers and hot dogs?’cause there is no american cuisine, you don’t even know how to cook! and how about style, do you know what that means? for you style is something defined by shorts,t-shirt and flip-flops,men,women,doesn’t matter,it’s all the same!oh,I forgot about slacks or dresses paired with sport shoes like Nike or New Balance,’cause Adidas is european brand,you cannot stand it!go to Romania,this country that you make fun of and you will be ashamed,even the homeless people are dressed nicer than you!the only one thing that you got it right is that we curse;yes we do,son of a bitch that you are,kirkbhoy!we curse abortions like you,scumbags like your father and whores like your mother!did we forget that old cunt that you call gram-ma?you talk about Ceausescu,you should know that we don’t give a shit about that bastard; because of his fucking communism Romania is not yet where it should be! should I remember you how Romania kicked your fat asses in 1994,right in U.S., playing for World Cup? you, americans, just make us laughing calling yourself “fans” of a team. I have personally been to watch Mavericks at home, in Dallas, at American Airlines Arena and guess what happened every time?they got their asses kicked, because the fans-that should be pushing the team to victory-sucked! the only thing that they know is:”defense, defense”! I never been to see the “great” fc dallas, ’cause I don’t think that what they play can be called football and I actually don’t think this team has any fans! the only time they get lucky is when they play against some Mexican team, then, yes, the stadium is full-of Mexicans, of course! OK, I am not gonna waste my time anymore on idiots like you, but don’t forget that Steaua do have real fans and they are coming after you, faggot! watch your back!

  6. By KirkBhoy on Jul 22, 2008

    ROFL…. I’m speechless. So I refer you here. For the record, I have numerous Romanian friends, all of whom found the post entertaining.

  7. By for kirkbhoy on Jul 23, 2008

    hey, dude, I am glad you are speechless,’cause I don’t let anybody talk shit about my country! And if you have many Romanian friends, fuck them all if they agree with what you said! I don’t give a damn if was entertainment or serious, you don’t have the rights to talk bad about a country that you never visited! I’ll pay you the trip, ’cause I know you don’t have the monney-that truck you drive eats too much gas and now the poor americans cannot save anymore;in Romania is more than double the price for gas and we don’t complain-just go to Romania and see for yourself the reality!One last thing:how did you end up calling your site Los Toros? You meant The Bulls?Well,if you meant that,you did wrong,’cause in Spanish the bulls=los torros,with double R!With only one R,it doesn’t mean anything,just imagine the bulls without an L,would be the buls.If you don’t believe me,ask Toja,he would confirm this!

  8. By choirboy on Jul 23, 2008

    Take that as proof that Romanians can speak english. And that’s more than I can say about americans =))

  9. By ...&... on Jul 23, 2008

    Nice one! Mândria noastră România!!! Toja go to Steaua !

  10. By Nathan on Jul 23, 2008

    Div Rumanians spik Scotish en a?

    Fur the record, ye widna ev’n hae a vumpire book if it wisnae for Slains Castle.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slains_Castle

  11. By smartass21 on Jul 23, 2008

    u american assholes think ur hotshots .well think again u pieces of shit u never created anithing good in the world ,ur country is full of fat fucks and u don’t know shit about european foobal.
    first of all u fucks what do u have against Mutu?That he has a small mole?Not every1 is insicure like u fucking americans.and for the record he is better than any american player so keep ur fucking mouth shut
    Vlad Tepes(or as u fucks might know him “Dracula”) is not our national hero its Stefan the Great.
    about the curses u imbecils what is repeated the most in South park?curses so shut the fuck up.
    and Ceaucescu has nothing more to do with steaua cuz hes dead but granted becali is a moron i wonder if hes american?:).
    And last but not least fuck Steaua and go Dinamo Bucharest.
    P.S. in “soccer” ur supose to kick the ball with ur foot i know its hard but try to remember that

  12. By kid on Jul 24, 2008

    Here’s 5 reasons I can think of right now for being proud to be a Romanian:
    1. Petrache Poenaru - the inventor of the pen
    2. Victor Babes - the inventor of microbiology
    3. Henri Coanda - the inventor of the jet engine
    4. Nadia Comaneci - the first gymnast in history to earn a perfect 10 (I can’t understand America’s obsession for Mary Lou Retton or whatever her name was)
    5. Vlad the Impaler. Yes, he impaled his enemies (mainly the Turks, thus saving the asses of many of the rulers in the western Europe), but he was a great leader (not a vampire as that drunken idiot Bram Stoker wrote). Should I post a picture of the atrocities committed by your American “heroes”. At least Vlad lived during the Dark Ages. What’s your leaders’ excuse now?

    oh, and don’t panic if your blog is attacked by Romanian hackers. The Romanian IT school is very highly regarded. Just ask Microsoft…

    look at that… not one “fuck you”. I must be ill or something.

    I know you Americans like to laugh at anything, anywhere, but your 5 motives just aren’t that funny.

    have a nice day! :)

  13. By KirkBhoy on Jul 24, 2008

    Oh, a respectful comment :)

    Everyone has a right to be proud of their nationality. Ultimately nationality is more of an indication of the kind of opportunities we are given than the kind of people we are.

    As far as Prince Vlad goes, he probably did what he thought he had to do with the Turks and his own family turned against him. Only God can really judge him as a person. However, there is an entire tourist industry in Romania dedicated to selling Dracula related junk, which was what I was making fun of. America has similar morbid stuff (you should see the gift shop here in Dallas next to where JFK was shot). I can take a joke about the US as long as it is clearly a joke. I think you’re right about how not-very-funny the jokes are, which makes this whole situation even funnier. It is not my best work.

    As far as your GW Bush reference, I think he has good intentions but, like Vlad was placed in a difficult situation after our country was violently attacked. And like Vlad, only God can judge him as a person. He’s made plenty of mistakes but is not the monster that Europeans describe him as and certainly has far higher standards of human worth than any Dark Ages leader or, for that matter, most 20th Century leaders. Having said that, I’ve voted against him twice.

    Thank you for your respectful comments.

  14. By alexander..you can call me xander.. on Jul 24, 2008

    how could you, kirkbhoy do this? you are so fuckin’ stupid 2 do this. you almost started a war between Steaua and Fc Dallas “Los Toros”, i’m a steaua fan and that’s not real that’s ain’t real man.. what did u say ain’t real man… you’ve based on … on what man? we’re not getting anywere so let’s face it Juan Toja or how do you call him… J.T. no? We , the fanse we are not deciding J.T.’s future at “Los Toros” he is the one who does it … not us… maybe los dineros were a problem at F.C. Dallas man… u can’t force J.T. to stay there if he want’s he leaves right? the bad part in your fuckin commentary is that u make fun of Romania too and you can’t afford that.. the one who cursed you … has it becouse we can’t afford you…the americans to make fun of our country.. so u thought that was entertaining? i guess then that u don’t wish 2 know what the Romanian Journalist’s wrote about you. so man leave J.T. to decide it is his opinion . and… Vlad the Impaler is one of the Romania’s histhoric men.. that guy wrote history man so u can’t afford to wrote that..about him..and about adrian mutu /// he is a top football player he is wanted by 2 big european clubs.. and u are so fuckin stupid 2 say that he is a reason for J.T. 2 not come in Romania… well u are wrong fuckin wrong man… just becouse you borned riches u the americans think that u can make fun of romania? romania will be an EURO-force in 20 years u can make fun of that 2.. becouse we don’t care about a fuckin asshole says about us.. (sorry for the mistakes ;)) nobody is perfect i got hurry so forgive me you moron ;))

  15. By alexander..you can call me xander.. on Jul 24, 2008

    J.T. accepted steaua’s proposal so suck it man :P . J.T.-the best soccer player will be a star in Romania too. arrive soonly J.T. ;) please u are the best ,il matador ;) you are the king of kings the rocker-football man. please come at Steaua man …..

  16. By The Game HHH on Jul 24, 2008

    you , kirkhboy or whatever your name is..or your nickname is..I understand that u and your Romanian friends thought that was entertaining man … have you all ever been in Romania? fuck it man those ain’t Romanians because they can’t do this… they have betrayed our country,they suck it that wasn’t funny man…….. so let’s say that it never happened right?… also….u are so scumbags and fuckin imbeciles 2 say that ;)

  17. By FUSA on Jul 25, 2008

    Labagiu One who masturbates :rofl2:

    fu :))

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