A column about my favorite commentary subjects: unnecessary laziness and flashy brilliance.

Your Weekly Transcendentalist Horoscope
Random yet oddly appropriate quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden.

I weathered some merry snow-storms, and spent some cheerful winter evenings by my fireside, while the snow whirled wildly without, and even the hooting of the owl was hushed.

FCD vs. Kansas City Railroad Workers (Explanation)

Dear Mr. Referee,

I’m just not seeing it, Mr. Mauricio Navarro, sir.

I rarely complain about refs, sir, I rarely do. Don’t consider this a complaint, more of a request for a clarification of the rules.

I can overlook 90% of the crap calls you made all game long, Mr. Navarro, really I can. If you want to red card Pablo Ricchetti–a man who I doubt has ever shown malice to so much as a house fly–I guess I can accept that as long as you call the rest of the game evenly.

About that “rest of the game” thing though. How is that K.C.’s players didn’t start getting carded until Bruno Guarda finally got the Nancy Kerrigan treatment towards the end of the game? Between the 22nd minute (when Drew Moor received the first FCD yellow) and the 62nd minute (when Pablo was so ceremoniously ejected), I could have sworn I was re-watching the USA v. Guatemala game, there were so many fouls.

Yet, while I’m sure the situation really required Adrian Serioux to be carded for time wasting in the 38th minute, I can’t help but wonder: what about the real fouls? You know, the ones where FCD players were getting laid out like one of those Japanese game shows. Its easy to card a dude when he tosses the ball away from the opposing team when its in their possession. But have you ever paid attention to Adrian Serioux toss the ball? If he had really intended to “Delay the Restart” (the rule you used to remind him who, indeed, was the boss on the field), then you’d realize that Serioux would have Barry Bonds‘ that overpriced synthetic leather out of the “stadium”. The game, after all, was in a minor league baseball park. Which does, after all, seem to be like the kind of place Bonds would end up if he really intends to return the baseball anytime soon.

If Roger Espinoza, Davy Arnaud, and Carlos Marinelli all manage to get yellow carded within a six minute span late in the game, then one must ask: what caused them to get so aggressive all the sudden? Since you don’t seem to be in possession of all the answers, let me step in an offer my own enlightening vision: they had been playing that way for the past hour. They had slowly elevated their physical play as they became ever more embarassed about the situation they were placed in. You seem to like to take context into account, Mr. Navarro, as that is the only thing that explains Victor Sikora getting carded, the thought of retalliation must have been on your mind. So did you not understand the context in which they were mistaking a soccer game for a small Kansas town branch of Fight Club?

Then there is the whole matter of Jimmy Conrad. You see, when someone scores a goal and then does a minor-league baseball version of the Lambeau Leap, then that is referred to as an excessive celebration, or “Unsportsmanlike Conduct” in referee-speak. You see, in most of these “football” leagues on the planet, if a player’s celebration involves physical touching a fan, beyond a simple “high-5″, then the result is a yellow card. Conrad, in fact, must have hugged just about every one of the 9k fans that bought tickets, even the ones who didn’t actually come to the game. Maybe, Mr. Navarro, this is an issue I should bring up with Señor Garber?

What I’m trying to say, Mr. Navarro, is not that your crap performance changed the result of the game. If it did, then it was deserved as Dallas played the role of Rangers F.C. to Kansas City’s Zenit St. Petersburg — only Rangers can’t score a goal from 4 yards, much less 40. But then again, Andre Rocha’s shots to goals ratio is sitting somewhere around 5,823-to-1, más o menos. I’ll consider the point FCD took away to be a lucky point. We should have lost 2-0.

What I’m trying to say, Mr. Navarro, is not that your crap performance should get you relegated to Conference USA Soccer (here’s a hint: SMU wins, Rice loses). No, for I’m sure those refs would suck it up too if forced to decide whether El Pescadito, Cuauhtémoc Blanco, or Marcello Saragosa was really assaulted with a 50-lb blunt weapon or softly touched in the face.

What I’m trying to say, Mr. Navarro, is not that your crap performance is a reminder that the quality of US Referees needs improvement. I have, in fact, just about given up on that happening within the next 2-3 World Cup cycles. Or when Kevin Stott starts pretending it is opposite day, whichever comes first.

What I’m trying to say, Mr. Navarro, is that because of your crap performance, you are this week’s Monday Morning Pescadito Man of the Match. Congratulations. Now take that prize money and take yourself and Mr. Stott on a vacation until, oh, let’s say… November 24th.

Signed,
KirkBhoy

—

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

Please make is so Firefox and PowerPoint can both run on my machine simultaneously so I can make a MMP column with pictures, please. Or just make Internet Explorer suck much much less. Though, you’d probably still probably have trouble running it and PowerPoint simultaneously. Or, stop helping starving African children and buy me a new computer, probably easier than the first two options.

Signed,
Someone who’s job it is to know how to use a computer, therefore not some stupid moron who has a slow machine because he is, in fact, a stupid moron when it comes to computers.

And Your Weekly Namesake Update
So many subplots involving El Pescadito in the USA v. Guatemala game.

Landycakes made some interesting statements about Fishinho leading up to the game:

My guess is Carlos won’t be back, but I don’t know. (laughing) My guess is Carlos will be in Guatemala for a few days, if I know him correctly.

My guess is Landon knew Ruiz was about to get Ronnie O’Brien‘ed off to Toronto FC.

The game starts (and continues and continues and continues…) with so many fouls. Guatemala clearly has many Ruiz impersonators on its side.

Then Ruiz decides to kick Tim Howard in the face. I’ll leave this one up to ESPN’s oh-so-professional commentary:

Ruiz, again, I’m sorry. Dirty player. He’s done it many times…. That’s such a rash challenge right there. Typical of Ruiz though. [Timmy gets in Pescadito's face] Yeah, I don’t blame you Tim, don’t blame you at all. [Ref and Bocanegra separate the two] Yeah, Get into him. I would. He does it constantly to players. Nothing worse than a dishonest player. [Timmy gets a yellow card, Carlos does not]

John Harkes

I wonder if the Guatemala player who took Eddie Lewis out knew that his captain (and, one must presume, hero) just got traded so the Galaxy could free up a couple bucks just to get Lewis. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but maybe he thought if he ended the winger’s season that it would look like a bad trade?

Anyway, El Pescadito dove to the best of his ability and still didn’t manage to score or secure a good enough free kick/PK for his team.

Of course, Landon was correct. Carlos wasn’t in uniform for the MLS game this weekend. I doubt he was in a NATO member country, for that matter.