Your Weekly Transcendentalist Horoscope
Random yet oddly appropriate quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden.

…but in dealing with truth we are immortal, and need fear no change nor accident.

Change seems to be the message all over the land these days.  Sounds like change is going on around FCD as well.

FCD vs. Colorado Bowel Rapids

To paraphrase some nasty perscription drug commercial: we don’t have a going problem, we have a growing problem.   And by going, clearly I mean scoring.  Offense. Balls in the back of the net.  Gols. Bulges in the auld onion bag.  You know, that thing that helps you win if you can, you know, make some.

Even when we dominate possession — and I thought we had the better of that —  we just seem to pass the ball around the top of the box, then wait for some reason to stupidly give it away.  Usually this involves ill-advised passes to a striker, despite that player being double-covered or not in a good (or onside, in Jeff Cunningham’s case) position.

We’re not getting goals from midfield.  Heck, we’re not getting goals from defense. Kyle Martino (yes, you read that right, they’ll make anyone a color commentator these days) said that FCD has scored off one set piece all season (Drew Moor on a corner kick).  That ain’t good, guys.  Ain’t good at all.  Until we start getting goals off set pieces and non-strikers, teams will simply play to our weaknesses by taking away our strikers’ shots and leaving everyone else on our team alone so they can manage to screw things up.  Check out the pain:

Notation: Striker, Midfielder, Defender, Gone

8/30 - Cunningham
8/23 - Rocha
8/16 - Cunningham
8/3  - Cooper (2)
7/27 - Cooper (2), Oduro, Thompson
7/19 - Cooper, Toja
7/4  - Thompson
6/26 - Cooper
6/21 -
6/15 - Cooper
6/6  - Alvarez
6/1  - Oduro
5/28 - Cooper, Moor
5/24 - Oduro (2)
5/18 - Oduro
5/10 - Cooper
5/3  -
4/24 -
4/20 - Cooper, Thompson
4/12 - Alvarez, Cooper
4/6  - Cooper (2), Alvarez
3/30 - Toja

Kenny’s and Dominic’s goals from the Club America friendly seem to further confirm this: we aren’t getting any goals from non-strikers.  The only non-strikers still on our roster who have scored all season are Drew Moor (on that one set piece) and Andre Rocha (on that 40 yarder).  And I wouldn’t be surprised if Rocha is Ricardinho‘d before the season ends (Ricardinho’d - v. to send back to the Brazilian farm team).  This brings the total to:

Strikers - 24 (18 after removing Thompson and Artie)
Midfielders - 3 (1 after removing Toja, 0 after Rocha gets the boot)
Defenders - 1

For those of you that think this is normal, here’s a comparison to Celtic after just 4 games:

8/10 - Barry Robson
8/17 - Paul Hartley
8/23 - Stephen McManus, Georgios Samaras (2)
8/31 - Georgios Samaras, Shunsuke Nakamura

That’s less than half the goals coming from strikers and 1.75 goals/game against opponents that use bunker tactics.  Now Celtic isn’t even in mid-season form yet, and lost to one of the biggest jokes in Scotland, yet that is still a far more impressive goal distribution than we have here in Dallas.

So what do we do?  Obviously, we need goal scorers.  I’m so dedicated to the team, I made a list.  Of everyone.  On the planet.  All 6.7 Billion or so.  Unfortunately, WordPress doesn’t give me those kinds of post sizes, so I just had to give context around the guys that played on Thursday night.  If the FCD front office needs the entire list, just shoot me an e-mail.  At my charitable scouting rate of 20 cents/hour, this will work out to a $639 Million consultancy fee.  Since FCD’s top priority is winning, according to Señor Hitchcock, I feel they’ll pay the fee and my time will have been well-spent.  So here they are, in order:

173. Andriy Shevchenco
174. Semih Şentürk
175. Kenny Cooper
176. Ashley Young
177. Brian McBride

565. El Pescadito
566. Wayne Rooney
567. Jeff Cunningham
568. (Fat) Ronaldinho
569. Paul Scholes

1,254. Ramon Nunez
1,255. Roberto Mina
1,256. Dominic Oduro
1,257. Abe Thompson
1,258. Juan Toja

9,845. Chad Barrett
9,846. President Bartlet
9,847. Drew Moor
9,848. Clarence Goodson
9,849. Schella Hyndman’s indestructible balls

16,082. Kobe Bryant
16,083. Steve Nash
16,084. Eric Avila
16,085. Ally McCoist
16,086. Mo Johnston

28,096. Last year’s Tom Brady
28,097. Joe Hamilton
28,098. Dax McCarty
28,099. Ocho Cinco
28,100. Bo Jackson

45,283. Buzz Carrick
45,284. Victoria Beckham
45,285. Bruno Guarda
45,286. David Beckham
45,287. Bruno Guarda’s Mom

146,837. Steve Morrow
146,838. Bob Woodward
146,839. Blake Wagner
146,840. Kyle Martino
146,841. Maradona (not back then, I mean now)

156,037. Sarah Palin
156,038. Jon Stewart
156,039. Michael Dello-Russo
156,040. Tony Stewart
156,041. Martha Stewart    ’s bodyguard

275,091. Gordon Brown
275,092. Robert Downey Jr (”you never go full retard“)
275,093. Pablo Ricchetti
275,094. Matt Stone
275,095. Trey Parker

1,873,388. Barnum
1,873,389. Bailey
1,873,390. Anthony Wallace
1,873,391. Barack Obama
1,873,392. KirkBhoy

984,837,896. Jessica Simpson
984,837,897. William Shatner
984,837,898. Aaron Pitchkolan
984,837,899. Nancy Kerrigan
984,837,900. Boris Johnson

3,923,140,086. Asif Ali Zardari
3,923,140,087. Islom Karimov
3,923,140,088. Dario Sala
3,923,140,089. Alex Ferguson
3,923,140,090. Barry Ferguson

6,721,850,700. Elizabeth Windsor
6,721,850,701. Tom Brady
6,721,850,702. Marcelo Saragosa
6,721,850,703. Don LaFontaine [UPDATE: Whoops, he’s dead now]

What?  There’s a trading deadline?  We can’t sign anyone we want?  Not even Robert Downey Jr.?!?  Damn.  Well, Schellas, you’ve got your work cut out for you.

WTF Commentary of the Week

Alas, Kyle Martino did a decent job.  For a rookie.  Rob Stone, however, is the journalist equivalent of Eric Wynalda.  I saw Stoner interviewing Les Miles last weekend and then doing the Thursday night game.  This guy won’t get out of my TV, for crying out loud.

One side note about their commentary.  They compared Cooper and Cunningham and the gist of the argument goes like this: when Cooper scores, FCD wins; when Cunningham scores, his team doesn’t necessarily win.  Yawn.  I think this gives a little too much credit to Kenny and not enough to Cunningham.  When we’re playing like crap, Kenny is taking ridiculous shots from 30+ yards out.  He gets them on frame and no one complains, but ultimately he’s so far away from goal that when we’re not playing well he’s not putting himself in a position to create a goal.  As for Cunningham, the dude is a poacher.  Go and look at Ruiz’s stats (I have not, too much time ranking every player on the planet) and I’d imagine you’d see similar trends.  Jeff will get goals when we have bad games, just as Carlos did (Houston playoff game, anyone?).  Now I wouldn’t dream of drafting Jeff over Kenny.  I just think the stats don’t reveal what the players are doing out on the field.  Are these two going to gel at any point?  Who knows.  At this point in the season, probably not.  Hopefully I’m proven wrong.  Ultimately I think if we get more offensive chances created by midfield players, people will swear Kenny and Jeff are soul mates.  That is a big ‘if’ however.

Minutiae

I might have pointed this out to some of you before, but Anthony Wallace has a really tiny head.  I mean, if this soccer thing doesn’t work out, he’s got a guaranteed career in sanitation — he can stick that noggin in any sized pipe he wants!

I was pretty busy around the time Abe Thompson was traded, otherwise I would have done an Iron Man Memorial post on the subject.  I can see players with attitude like Ricardinho, Alvarez, and Rocha not being “on the bus”, but Abe?  I hope he gets more playing time where he’s going, but Kansas City is collecting strikers like we collect central midfielders who cannot score.

Oh, Kickette, what would we do without you? Probably something productive and less depressing.

Beer news: Budweiser gets bought by Belgians, then they come out with an “American Ale”.  Anyone gonna call BS on this one?

And Your Weekly Namesake Update
Attempting to get Guatemala into the final stages of World Cup qualifying.  Probably enjoyed his trip to Trinidad & Tobago, and managed to go another game without a yellow card.  Amazing.