The Ultimate Beckham Interview
For those who haven’t seen this. This is the only Beckham Interview worth watching.
Enjoy!
Top 11 Things that could make this week worse for FC Dallas
With rumors abounding that KC Jr. is cashing in some of John Ellinger’s frequent-flyer miles to fly off to Rosenborg, we present: the top 11 things that could make this week worse for FCD.
From the home office in Frisco, Texas:
1. Clark Hunt decides that he’s ready to return to play for his old coach.
2. Tex Hooper signs a generationAdidas contract.
3. Schellas is put in charge of PHP promotions and declares Sunday’s game against the Galaxy to be “Free Kick in the Groin“ night.
4. The Front Office decides to schedule a Frisco ISD high school football game during an upcoming FCD game.
5. Gretna approaches FCD about becoming the Hoops’ latest partner.
6. Last season’s Toja wigs are discovered to carry smallpox.
7. George W. Bush is named as FCD Technical Director. Hitch lauds him saying, that GWB will “do for FCD what he did for the Texas Rangers”.
8. Marcelo Saragosa: striker.
9. FC Dallas is forced to trade Adrian Serioux to Toronto because he can no longer live without Tim Bits and poutine.
10. A comet hits Frisco, obliterating all human life. Del’s survives, however.
…and the #11 way things could be worse is:
11. Los Toros get transferred to Romania.
More International Attention for the MMP
Looks like KirkBhoy got some more Romanian lovin’ last night. Too bad the Romanian press can’t tell the Inferno from Los Toros. [Then again, can most FCD fans?]
I’d translate it (with Gigilino’s help), but it’s another blatant ripoff of the MMP. From Prosport.ro:
Gone, Baby, Gone…
Well, sports fans, it looks like it’s over. From Wednesday’s GSP.ro:
Conducere Stelei i-a rezervat ieri biletele de avion, iar sîmbătă seara, Toja va fi prezent în Ghencea ca jucător al vicecampioanei…
which means [Brace yourselves...]
The leadership of Steaua has reserved [Tuesday] plane tickets, and on Saturday evening, Toja will be present in Ghencea as a player of the [Romanian] vice-champions.
More?
Toja a plecat ieri din Dallas cu destinaţia Toronto, unde mîine va evolua în meciul Major League Soccer Game, meci care va opune lui West Ham United o echipă formată din cei mai buni fotbalişti din campionatul Statelor Unite ale Americii
which means:
Toja left yesterday from Dallas for Toronto, where he will perform in the MLS All-Star Game, a match in West Ham Unite will play a team formed from the best footballers from the U.S.A.’s Championship.
Still more? Come on, now here’s the good part: the Euros that we get for him. [I've already posted my Toja wig on ebay.ro! New iPhone, here I come!]
750 de mii de dolari este suma pe care Steaua o va achita pentru transferul lui Toja în Ghencea, atît cît au costat şi Thereau, şi Carlos, aduşi în 2006
Come, now, you must be able to translate! I don’t even speak Romanian, and I’m doing okay…
$750K is the sum which Steaua is going to pay for the Toja’s transfer to [Steaua], the same amount that Thereau and Carlos cost in 2006.
That’s it. I guess. All there’s left to say is:
KirkBhoy is a Romanian Star
Today’s [yes, today's] MMP got picked up by GSP.ro. Kirkbhoy, meet your adoring public. In Romania.
Suporterii formaţiei americane FC Dallas sunt nemulţumiţi că jucătorul Juan Toja ar putea ajunge la Steaua şi l-au sfătuit pe acesta, pe un site dedicat echipei, să nu se transfere în România.
or, for us who speak good American English (one of three official languages of Los Toros, the other two being Spanish and Scottish English):
The supporters of the American team FC Dallas don’t like that Juan Toja could join Steaua and they advised him, on a site dedicated to the team [Well, not really. We're more dedicated to our favorite team, ourselves, and the ways we keep ourselves
drunkoccupied during games.], not to transfer to Romania.
I’d translate the rest of the article, but you’ve already read today’s MMP. So, we have a message for the Romanian press who ripped off our hard work:
Ma-ta e atât de grasa ca NASA a lansat un satelit în jurul ei.
And we mean it. Really.
Now for your amusement, FC Dallas fans [All 6 of you who read this blog, that is...] , we present translations of the top comments from today’s GSP.ro article. Come on, now, fair is fair — we did part of the work for them. At least they can provide some entertainment for all y’all. (Note to GSP.ro: ‘all y’all‘ se traduce ‘voi toti‘.)
#10: What a making! [Excuse me?] Only a frustrated journalist who is a Dinamo [yes, like SteveToro...], Rapid [like, uh, no one. No one likes any team named Rapid. It's like naming your team Good with Feet or Likes to Kick.], or Cluj [like KirkBhoy] supporter could write something like that on the site of a semi-known team. I’m f*cking sick of the Romanian press.
#8: f*ck america! they should watch their american football. like they would know european football! [Why do you think we watch European football? Have you seen a Ravens-49ers game? Ugh.]
#7: what a high standard of soccer they have!!!!!!!!! [Easy on the exclamation points there, Radu] I saw a game in their championship and you don’t know what they’re playing — I almost fell asleep! [so do we...] it goes without saying that between Steaua and FC Dallas, there’s too big of a difference! they should care about their basketball, baseball and American football! [Have you seen our teams play recently? We'd be happy to give Becali the Texas Rangers. Or the Mavericks. At least, with Nowitzki they could beat FC Nurenburg! How's that game with Roma going to go, Stellei?]
#5: Bullsh*t. [Nice language, Popsecu]. To say in their language [I guess it's our language. But get it straight. We also accept Spanish and Scots. And Romanian, if you're counting our translations.]. If the Americans know of Becali… it means that… [Yeah, we know Becali, but mostly about how he takes care of cars.] but the part about ceaucescu is true.
#4: 500 years ago they were eating each other. [Oh, are you still upset about the 'your mom' joke I made earlier? I could make others, you know...] Did the cannibals start to talk about soccer?
FC Dallas Offers $750K to Steaua for Toja
From today’s GSP.ro:
Conducerea lui FC Dallas a ridicat la 750.000 de dolari suma de transfer a columbianului în momentul în care a primit oferta scrisă a Stelei
which means:
The leadership of FC Dallas has offered $750K at this moment for a transfer of the Colombia [Toja] in response to the first written offer from [Steaua].
Uh, oh… couple that with what Diego Aparicio had to say today:
El Steaua de Bucarest, el club más popular de Rumania, ofreció entre 1 y 1.5 millones de dólares por la transferencia de Juan Toja, volante del FC Dallas, reportaron medios rumanos.
which means:
[Steaua], the most popular club in Romania, has offered between 1 and 1.5 million dollars for the transfer of Juan Toja, midfielder of FC Dallas, the Romania media has reported.
Looks like no one knows what’s going on.
Toja is a Stoner?
In what must be an obvious attempt to get Gigi Becali to back off of our boy JT, the Romanian press is spreading vile, terribly-unfounded rumors about Toja’s history with that scourge of scourges, that evil of evils, that nasty, nasty, nasty substance: weed.
From today’s GSP.ro:
The Daily Cancan [a Romanian magazine like US Weekly] wrote yesterday, citing the South American newspaper, Diario Hoy, that Toja had been suspended 3 years ago for smoking marijuana. He had tested positive in 3 successive checkups, and he had been suspended from play for six months in the Colombian championship, at that time performing for Independiente Santa Fe. “We forgave him multiple times and we didn’t bite his head off. We gave him the possibility to play and we let him go to River Plate,” declared Eduardo Mendez, chief of Santa Fe.
Stay tuned to Los-Toros.com, sports fans, for the all the latest Toja news from Romania…
Monday Morning Pescadito: July 21, 2008
A column about my favorite commentary subjects: unnecessary laziness and flashy brilliance.
Your Weekly Transcendentalist Horoscope
Random yet oddly appropriate quotes from Henry David Thoreau’s Walden.
…we require that all things be mysterious and unexplorable, that land and sea be infinitely wild, unsurveyed and unfathomed by us because unfathomable. We can never have enough of nature. We must be refreshed by the sight of inexhaustible vigor, vast and titanic feature…
I re-watched the classic movie Clash of the Titans this weekend (they’re doing a re-make and I thought I should refresh myself). Last week I did Roman mythology, this week its Greek I guess. Apologies if I’m in a mythological mood…
FCD 2-2 Colorado Rapid Bowel Movements
MMP Prediction: 0-1
Actual Result: 2-2
And Zeus decried, “All the good teams are taking part in SuperLiga this weekend! Therefore, I command mediocrity throughout the land of MLS!!” And so it was done:
Needless to say this weekend was not one of the MLS regular season’s finest hours. Five games, five draws. It could have been worse for FC Dallas, you see, a 0-0 draw would have been quite a blow to team (and fan) psyche. Luckily for ya’ll I don’t have it in me for a ton of mythological references, but I’m sure there’s more opportunity here.
On a positive note, for three minutes we learned what it was like to be ahead. I even overheard a conversation that contained those elusive words “three points”. Sigh. At least since everyone else tied this entire round was basically a wash.
Monday Morning Pescadito Man of the Match will *not* go to Adrian Serioux. I considered giving him the award in the hopes that he’ll use the prize money to get a new contact prescription. Totally at fault for a mis-clearance on the first goal. I swear we’ve seen that goal several times in the last few games with only slight variations. I should look at the Charleston game highlights. But that would involve looking at the Charleston game highlights.
Instead, MMP MotM goes to our good buddy, Marcello Saragosa. He managed to set up two goals! Unfortunately, one of them was for the other team. SteveToro was saying during the game that, if not for Bouna Coundoul, we would have lost 0-2. Well, if not for two crappy clearances, it would have been 2-0. Colorado’s 2nd goal was a nice one: cross into the box from Terry Cooke, a nice flick into a dangerous area by the 3 foot tall Christian Gomez, and a clean finish by Connor Casey. But roll the tape back farther and maybe the prettiest pass of all was Saragosa’s low clearance just to the foot of “Beefcake” Cooke.
At some point the players just need to realize that most of the goals we’re giving up are just plain stupid. Perhaps we’re a good team that, once we fix the defensive brain farts, will eventually start playing like one. I wouldn’t say we had a great possession game, but we still controlled the match for long periods. Let’s not let a couple defensive gaffs ruin our season. Maybe we should go with the Clarence Goodson school of defense: kick the ball high, hard, and far. It doesn’t need to be pretty, but what we’re doing now sure is uglier than even what “Clearance” did.
Did anyone notice that Davino went all the way into the opposing box during the run of play once? If Duilio can get that deep, why can’t our midfield go all the way to the byline to send in a cross? I’m looking at you, Andre Rocha. The 3-5-2 doesn’t seem to let players do this, much to my annoyance. Only strikers being chased by lunatic goalies outside the box seem to get to the byline in this formation. Dax McCarty managed to get a little bit higher.
I didn’t quite get why we started Dominic Oduro instead of Abe Thompson. Or at least, in hindsight, I didn’t get why it would be more advantageous to start him as opposed to bringing him on as a sub to better utilize his speed. Both have shown us almost nothing over the past few games other than Abe’s extra time goals. The upside to Oduro, however, is that since the guy must weight 130 pounds (I don’t believe the 160 lbs for a second), he’s real easy to push over in the box. He also rivals Saragosa for diving ability.
Clearly, Juan Toja doesn’t read this blog. If he did, he would have learned about how much I hate Steaua Bucharest’s owner, George “Gigi” Becali. I linked to this article in a MMP two months ago.
I fully support Toja going to a place to further his career. And Romania does have a better league and Steaua Bucharest is leaps and bounds above FC Dallas in size and quality. But Romania? Really? I know too many good-humored Romanians to not do a piece entitled….
The Top Five Reasons Not to Move to Romania
5. Adrian Mutu’s mole basically has its own zip code. It’ll be all over billboards and TV. Women will constantly bring it up in conversation. Eventually the subject will make you vomit.
4. Romanians have curse words for everything. You don’t believe me? Look here (NSFW). Note: This link is not for those with a weak stomach. Ia-o pe curva aia de ma-ta si duceti-va sa beliti pula la urs ca va plateste tata biletul de autobuz!
3. One of my favorite South Park quotes of all time:
Reporter: Tom, it looks like these cute little girls have made it out of that armpit of a country they call Romania.
2. Their national hero is this dude (seriously Juan, f*cking run):
1. Have you ever heard of Nicolae Ceauşescu? No? Oh, well go read his Wikipedia page. What a real asshole, right? Guess what? YOU’LL BE PLAYING FOR HIS TEAM.
Ok, so that’s probably a little over-the-top. Ceauşescu was executed almost 20 years ago and modern Steaua fans probably aren’t huge fans of the dude. But still, I don’t think playing for Becali is a huge step down. One was a far-left socialist accused of genocide, the other a far-right ultra-Christian who thinks Hungarians deserve no place in Romania and has volunteered to pay for a referendum to “finish off all homosexuals in the country”. In a different time, I don’t see Becali as a better person.
Minutiae
While looking through that MMP that talked about Steaua, I noticed my pictures encouraging Jozy Altidore to go to Spain. Success! Good luck to you, buddy. May you learn much from Leo Messi and company. Now if only some Spanish company would purchase my contract for $10 Million.
UPDATE: Does this remind you of anyone?
And Your Weekly Namesake Update
Scored his first goal of the season. PARTY! Of course he was assisted by Edson Buddle, so he ain’t exactly gonna improve his place on the depth chart. IF you have $460k to spend, you can still be the proud owner of El Pescadito!
The Dude?
Cristiano Ronaldo is hangin’ in LA. And unlike Donnie, he’s clearly in his element.
From today’s Daily Mail:
After a fun evening with friends and plenty of vodka cocktails, he was set up with a pretty brunette by his manager.
Cool. His agent’s a pimp. (We knew that, but hey…) Tell me more:
A source said: ‘Cristiano’s agent didn’t want him spend the night alone, so he set him up with a beautiful brunette who was hanging around the bar at the end of the evening.
Wow. I wish my agent would do that. (Wait, I don’t have an agent. Action item: get an agent, get to L.A.) So, what does the (latest) great Ronaldo drink?
Ronaldo - who is still on crutches as he recuperates from an ankle operation - had been drinking White Russian and vodka pineapple cocktails.
White russians? Either he’s auditioning for a role in Sex and the City II: Electric Boogaloo, I guess he really is The Dude…
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